THE Mary Sue Parody
by Angamire
Summary: This is THE Mary Sue Parody. The one to rule them all!! Mua ha ha ha!! Now, its a very good parody that doesn't exaggerate. Please R+R!! NEW CHAPTER HOW TO WRITE A GOOD MARY SUE
1. The Story

THE Mary Sue Parody  
  
A/N: Now I know that this has been done before, but every author exaggerates it so much, it turns out to be a joke more than a warning taken seriously by other authors. So this is THE Mary Sue Parody; just as the One Ring is THE Ring. Sure there are the Seven and the Nine and of course the Three (who couldn't forget those?), but this is the One. DUN DUN DUN. Ok, that was just sounded really really gay.  
  
Ok, read this chapter first to get the story, then read the next chapter for the story with all the little remarks!  
  
Linwë Telrúnya was not a usual elf. Some would say this was said because of her looks. She had white hair that reached her waist and blue eyes that were so reminiscent of the waters of Belegaer that it was said you could sea the ruins of ancient Numénor in their depths. She was tall and slender and her ruby-red lips seldom spoke. Tending to be unsociable, she spent most of her days in one of Rivendell's many courtyards, singing with birds that came her way. Her sister Arwen was compared to Luthien Tinuviel, but she was compared to the same great elf in voice; for her voice was like a nightingale's.  
  
But soon, the lovely life she led in Rivendell was destroyed. Sauron had risen again and he was in search of the Three Elven Rings. Elrond was captured by Orcs and tortured for information about the. Before he is taken he throws Vilya to his daughter,  
  
"Never let it fall into Sauron's hands Linwë! Never!"  
  
Frightened by her father's capture, and having no where else to turn, Linwë flees to Lorien, but instead is ambushed by the Orcs on the way there! In trying to escape she accidently misses Lorien and ends up in Mirkwood instead.  
  
She wanders for days and days on end, her bow ever drawn to fight off any of Sauron's minions. Eventually, she stumbles upon the Old Forest Road, and recognizing it immediately she takes it to the Elven Halls of Mirkwood.  
  
But she falls into trouble. For of the spiders that attacked Bilbo and the Dwarves so many years ago, some remain. They take her captive despite her valiant efforts to ward them off.  
  
The spiders carry her to their lair and tie her up in spider silk. Just as the biggest spider was going to take a bite out of her, an arrow was shot at its head and it fell over. Several more arrows were shot out of the mirk of Mirkwood and the spiders were slain. Her savior came out of the shadows and revealed himself,  
  
"Mi'lady are your hurt? One as fair as you should not be wandering amuck through the forest of Mirkwood." Said a blonde elf with blonde hair and beautiful blue-violet eyes,  
  
"Thank you for your kindness good sir," Linwë smiled, "May I know the name of my brave hero?"  
  
"I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood and son of Tharanduil." "Uh, could you help me Prince Legolas? I seem to be bound quite tightly."  
  
"But of course mi'lday. Please, call me Legolas." there ya go ^^!!  
  
Legolas cut the spider bindings and helped her up.  
  
"I shall lead you to the Elven Halls of my people. Come, it is not far."  
  
Linwë mounted Legolas' horse behind the prince and they headed East towards Legolas' home. On the way, Linwë grew thirsty and they stopped by a spring.  
  
While bending over to get a drink, Linwë fell headfirst into the. A large rock caught at her dress and she fell farther and farther until she hit the bottom. The rock would not budge! Linwë screamed for help, but her lungs only filled with water.  
  
Legolas jumped in after her without hesitation. He ripped her dress free of the rock and swam back to the surface.  
  
He lay her on the shore and felt her pulse. He let out a cry for her heart did not beat. He opened her mouth and did uh...mouth to mouth.. Her blue eyes fluttered open and she coughed up water.  
  
"You are alive!" he exclaimed happily, but she did not reply, only stared into nothingness and shivered violently. He moved her to a cave by the pond covered her with a blanket he had in his pack.  
  
"Its so cold.." she muttered,  
  
"You'll have to discard you wet clothing." She simply nodded, but could not move to do the task,  
  
He undressed her, trying to keep his eyes averted and set out her wet clothing to dry. But her shivering did not cease. Fearing she had hypothermia he knew he would have to raise her body temperature. Sheepishly, he discarded his tunic and lay on her, covering both of them with the blanket.  
  
Linwë only smiled in her sleep. He could feel that her body temperature was rising. Not wanting to risk anything he stayed there for the rest of the night. He felt her naked skin on his and felt sparks in his heart for this strange Elven girl. He rested his head on her's and fell asleep as well.  
  
In the morning, he awoke to see her looking up at him and said,  
  
"Good morning kind sir. May I ask what you are doing?"  
  
"I-I had to keep you warm."  
  
"And you did that well." She smiled,  
  
They returned to Mirkwood that same day. And wed that same night. All of Middle Earth was joyous to see them wed. They sailed across the sea and lived happily ever after in Valinor. 


	2. The Story With My Comments

THE Mary Sue Parody  
  
A/N: Now I know that this has been done before, but every author exaggerates it so much, it turns out to be a joke more than a warning taken seriously by other authors. So this is THE Mary Sue Parody; just as the One Ring is THE Ring. Sure there are the Seven and the Nine and of course the Three (who couldn't forget those?), but this is the One. DUN DUN DUN. Ok, that was just sounded really really gay.  
  
Ok, read this chapter first to get the story, then read the next chapter for the story with all the little remarks!  
  
Linwë Telrúnya*cough*Author's Name*cough*On Elven Name Translator*cough* was not a usual elf are they ever?. Some would say this was said because of her looks. She had white hair that reached her waist and blue eyes that were so reminiscent of the waters of Belegaer ooooo..let us drop our jaws in amazement, the author knows the geography of Arda! that it was said you could sea the ruins of ancient Numénor in their depths and the history too!. She was tall and slender and her ruby-red lips seldom spoke. Tending to be unsociable, she spent most of her days in one of Rivendell's many courtyards, singing with birds that came her way. Her sister Arwen Didn't you see that coming? was compared to Luthien Tinuviel I'm just too lazy for accent marks. Sorry guys --;;, but she was compared to the same great elf in voice; for her voice was like a nightingale's the Author knows what Tinuviel means in Sindarin!.  
  
But soon, the lovely life she led in Rivendell was destroyed. Sauron had risen again and he was in search of the Three Elven Rings. NOTE: After the One was destroyed, all other rings lost power. They were also all taken over the sea to Valinor. Where Elrond went. After the War. So why is she still in Rivendell?!Elrond was captured by Orcs and tortured for information about the ring and that's just soo...possible. Orcs just march up to Rivendell and grab the Elven Lord whose actually supposed to be in Valinor and no one puts up a fight! They just stand there and watch him being taken away. Yup, TONS OF TRUTH. Before he is taken he throws Vilya Author knows name of Elrond's ring. At least it's a Mary Sue with research. When you protest against a Mary Sue, the author always has a "But it was all true!" hidden up their sleve. Sneaky sneaky. to his daughter,  
  
"Never let it fall into Sauron's hands Linwë! Never!" and lets overlook the fact that the Orcs are in hearing range.  
  
Frightened by her father's capture, and having no where else to turn, Linwë flees to Lorien, but instead is ambushed by the Orcs on the way there! In trying to escape she accidently misses Lorien Is that really possible? "Oh look there's a beautiful elven wood surrounded by mountains but I really don't think its Lorien! On to Mirkwood then!" and ends up in Mirkwood instead.  
  
She wanders for days and days on end, her bow ever drawn to fight off any of Sauron's minions. Eventually, she stumbles upon the Old Forest Road, and recognizing it immediately How can you recognize a road? she takes it to the Elven Halls of Mirkwood.  
  
But she falls into trouble. For of the spiders that attacked Bilbo and the Dwarves so many years ago, some remain. They take her captive despite her valiant efforts to ward them off.  
  
The spiders carry her to their lair and tie her up in spider silk. Just as the biggest spider was going to take a bite out of her, an arrow was shot at its head and it fell over. With one arrow. It was killed. Oh why don't we go ahead and call it the One Arrow. The All Powerful Arrow. That can kill really evil spiders with just one hit into their freakishly hairy skulls. Several more arrows were shot out of the mirk of Mirkwood er...find another adjective other than 'mirk' and the spiders were slain. Her savior came out of the shadows and revealed himself,  
  
"Mi'lady are your hurt? One as fair as you should not be wandering amuck through the forest of Mirkwood." Said a blonde elf with blonde hair and beautiful blue-violet eyes, GEE I wonder who it is?  
  
"Thank you for your kindness good sir *cough*Attempt at Old English*cough*," Linwë smiled, "May I know the name of my brave hero?"  
  
"I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood and son of Tharanduil." note to the ladie's man aka Legolas, maybe you should uh...undo the spider silk stuff so she can get free instead of standing their babbling like a poncy git? Not that Legolas is a poncy git, I find him, or rather Orlando Bloom playing him, quite attractive ^^. But that's not the point.  
  
"Uh, could you help me Prince Legolas? I seem to be bound quite tightly."  
  
"But of course mi'lday. Please, call me Legolas." there ya go ^^!!  
  
Legolas cut the spider bindings and cut her shirt off!!! No, I am not perverted, I just had to type that, because you know its going to happen sooner or later. They're going to..censored...you get it. helped her up.  
  
"I shall lead you to the Elven Halls of my people. Come, it is not far."  
  
Linwë mounted Legolas' horse it magically appeared *cough*Fake Author's License*cough* behind the prince and they headed East towards Legolas' home. On the way, Linwë grew thirsty and they stopped by a spring That magically popped up due to the Authors FAKE Authors License which is so expired because there is no friggin' spring in Mirkwood!!! Or at least I think there isn't...let's just leave it at that.  
  
While bending over to get a drink, Linwë fell headfirst into the pond so it's a pond now huh?. A large rock caught at her dress and she fell farther and farther until she hit the bottom how deep is a friggin' pond?!. The rock would not budge! Linwë screamed for help, but her lungs only filled with water smart one...  
  
Legolas jumped in after her without hesitation. He ripped her dress free of the rock NO it does NOT come off!! and swam back to the surface no.he just stayed down there and had a grand feast with the fish and algae.  
  
He lay her on the shore what its now bay watch? and felt her pulse ah! He watches ER on Mirkwood Television. He let out a cry for her heart did not beat. He opened her mouth and did uh...mouth to mouth. which I really doubt they had in Middle Earth in the Third Age. Her blue eyes fluttered open and she coughed up water.  
  
"You are alive!" he exclaimed happily, but she did not reply, only stared into nothingness and shivered violently you'd think she was just trampled by a herd of Nazgul. GEE GOLLY. He moved her to a cave by the pond that magically sprang up and covered her with a blanket he had in his pack that also magically sprang up.  
  
"Its so cold.." she muttered,  
  
"You'll have to discard you wet clothing." She simply nodded, but could not move to do the task,  
  
He undressed her, trying to keep his eyes averted and set out her wet clothing to dry. But her shivering did not cease. Fearing she had hypothermia which Legolas magically knows because he is actually a medical professor at Mirkwood College he knew he would have to raise her body temperature. and we all know where this is going. WARNING: MAJOR MARY SUE- ish AHEADSheepishly, he discarded his tunic and lay on her, covering both of them with the blanket.  
  
Linwë only smiled in her sleep. He could feel that her body temperature was rising. Not wanting to risk anything risk WHAT? he stayed there for the rest of the night. He felt her naked skin I feel like barfing on his EW EW EW and felt sparks in his heart for this strange Elven girl ARGH. He rested his head on her's and fell asleep as well.  
  
In the morning, he awoke to see her looking up at him and said, How wasted was I last night?  
  
"Good morning kind sir. May I ask what you are doing?" Why so calm --;;;  
  
"I-I had to keep you warm."  
  
"And you did that well." She smiled,  
  
They returned to Mirkwood that same day. And wed that same night. and then what happened? CENSOR All of Middle Earth was joyous to see them wed. They sailed across the sea and lived happily ever after in Valinor. Audience Vomits And whatever happened to dear old daddy still stuck somewhere being tortured by Orcs? Well that's another story... 


	3. How to Write a Mary Sue

How to Write a Mary Sue  
  
UPDATE: I'm really sorry about the rings section. A big thanks to Christina who brought light to that matter. I've changed it. Narya (Gandalf's) is fire. Elrond's (Vilya) is water. And Nenya (Galadriel's) is air. And I've added some more stuff in the Mary Sye Smith section.  
  
After reading the last chapter and all my evil comments, you probably think, what's she doing writing a chapter on how to write a Mary Sue? The truth of the matter is, Mary Sues aren't as bad as authors make them out to be, and they are in fact, quite truthful.  
  
For example, if you were a normal teenage (or older) girl and you were magically transported to Middle Earth through a rift in the fabric of the universe, then wouldn't you want to join the fellowship? Wouldn't you want your favorite male canon character to fall in love with you?  
  
Mary Sues are simply these romantic, and slightly absurd, fantasies brought to life through pencil and paper...or rather the computer and your keyboard. And in fact I have read some acclaimed "Mary Sues" that were really rather good. It's a lot like comparing a well-written romantic, fantasy novel to a trashy Harlequin fantasy.  
  
Also, I've seen many "Mary Sue Lists" on Lord of the Rings websites. These hold all the criteria for a Mary Sue, but I think that the Mary Sue they criticize, and the actual Mary Sue is quite different.  
  
My criteria for a "Mary Sue" is either a headstrong, strong-willed, LotR-lover, teenage girl who is transported through time (and not space, because Tolkien meant Middle Earth to be some alternate TIME of regular Earth, not alternate space. Arda is not on a different planet) to Middle Earth, where she either meets the Fellowship (in other words they're already on their quest) or she ends up in Rivendell where she goes to the Council of Elrond and is permitted to go on the quest or a girl (also around "teenage" years, though this doesn't really count for en elf, its always implied) who is met by a canon character and the two fall in love.  
  
(Because there are two sub-categories of a Mary-Sue, I like to name the girl-who-gets-transported a Mary-Sue Smith and the girl who is already there, a Mary-Sue Brown. Now this sounds a little confusing, but it's easier to divide them into categories.)  
  
So...yeah, back to the topic. It's perfectly all right to write a Mary-Sue, because we all know how great it is to see our romantic fantasies on paper...argh! I mean computer! Hehe, I'm not old-fashioned or anything, its just people always use that phrase and now I'm babbling!!! Ok. I'm calm.  
  
But it a romantic fantasy will seem much less pleasant if it's tedious, repetitive of other fics, and if the two main characters fall in love too soon. Here are a few criteria for a Mary-Sue Brown and Mary-Sue Smith:  
  
Mary-Sue Brown -  
  
Choose ONE Middle Earth species. And by that I mean Elf, Human, Hobbit, Dwarf, Orc, Goblin, etc. And if you do want to make her half and half, make sure it makes sense. For example, don't make a Hobbit-Human or Hobbit-Elf or Elf-Human-Orc and PLEASE no Elf-Witch-Fairy or Human-Angel or anything like that. It just takes away from the story and when people read something like that they'll go back and look for another fic.  
  
Don't describe your character and what she's wearing too much. Here's a good description of a character:  
  
Mary-Sue Smith pushed back her long, mahogany-colored hair and looked curiously at the rune on her back porch. 'When did it get here?' she thought, squinting her deep blue eyes. She stood up, and stretched, her thin, flexible body twisted this way and that. It was too early to be up. (Notice how I described how she was skinny with mahogany hair and deep blue eyes without acting as if I cared to much about her appearance. This will interest your readers more)  
  
Mary-Sue Brown's Elven ears picked up a rustling in the bushes. She tiptoed there, the harsh wind blowing her white-blonde air into frenzy. She thanked the Valar that her long black eyelashes somewhat shielded her eyes from the wind. They sparkled gray- green in the dimming sunlight. She withdrew her dagger. (Notice how much more interested your character becomes if you describe her extraordinary features like this. Appearing to be focused on her hearing the rustling in the bush rather than her looks. Compare this to a "Her features were unusual and extraordinarily beautiful, even for an elf. She had white-blonde hair and gray- green eyes that sparkled in the dimming sunlight and were shielded by long black lashes. The reader immediately thinks MARY SUE)  
  
1. Do some background research before determining her heritage. Elves don't have illegitimate children. Humans might, but not elves. They are a proud and honorable people and wouldn't do something like that before marriage. And probably not hobbits either.  
  
1. If you plan on doing an After The War fic, take in mind what actually happened after the war. First of all, Elrond, Galadriel, and Celeborn all departed to Valinor. And Elrond's wife, Celebrian is already in Valinor. Glorfindel is an elf-lord that has come back from Valinor and probably wouldn't have any children born in Middle Earth. And Aragorn and I think Legolas' mothers are both dead. As are Frodo's.  
  
1. The Three Elven Rings lost power after the One Ring was destroyed and they don't come back to life. If you want to use them in your fic, Vilya (Elrond's ring) symbolizes water and is gold with a blue jewel, Narya (Gandalf's ring) I have no description of, but it symbolizes fire. The other ring, Nenya (Galadriel's), is mithiril with a white, opal-ish jewel called adamant and symbolizes air.  
  
1. Don't make your character a super duper warrior. No one's perfect. They can't shoot off fifteen arrows and make perfect targets. Remember that.  
  
Mary-Sue Smith 1. Do to modern-day conveniences; it is possible to have sun- streaked hair and violet eyes. And perfect nails. So its alright to say that in the eyes of the peoples of Middle Earth she was beautiful, but don't make her naturally so. She must have SOMETHING wrong with her! And don't make it a dark and mysterious past either.  
  
1. Most everyone describes their character to have waist-length hair, big eyes, long eyelashes, perfect figure.don't do this! I've read so many Sue-fics with characters like that and the one word that comes to my mind is BORING. I've never seen a character with a chin-length bob or a pixie cut, save in a few stories.  
  
1. If she knows about LotR and all, and you want her to go with the fellowship, keep in mind that Elrond would not allow a stranger, and especially a female, to go traversing off with nine guys to destroy a ring in the most terrifying part of Middle Earth. First of all, he'd probably think that if one of the guys, or more, fell in love with her, they'd put her life in front of Frodo's, hence making the ring-bearer more susceptible to danger. Also, Middle Earth is supposed to still be in about the Middle Ages. They've never heard of feminism and would most likely think she's a witch if she can fight well.  
  
1. Don't let her have any connection to Middle Earth. It is no way possible for her to have come from Middle Earth because Middle Earth is in another time not place. Even if her parents had come through a portal or something, then they'd be vulnerable to disease and would die quickly leaving her to die as well. And they probably wouldn't hop into a portal that magically springs up anyways to begin with.  
  
1. Keep to the story line. You can make her change things in subtle ways 9how could she not?), but don't change it in big ways as in saving Gandalf or Boromir or going with Frodo and Sam to Mordor and keeping them away from Shelob. Or warning Theoden of Helm's deep. Things like that are just not liked.  
  
1. First of all, your character will usually be vulnerable to hard living. Unless they've gone to some survival camp or something, but don't add that in because it makes the story much less interesting.  
  
1. Don't have the two characters fall in love at first sight. Especially not with Legolas because Elves usually keep to themselves and don't get into relationships quickly. Also, remember that the Fellowship, especially Aragorn, will want to leave her at safety, like Lothlorien, or with King Theoden, etc.  
  
One big Boo Boo that author's have made is making Boromir the bad guy. ALWAYS the bad guy. As in he always tries to get jiggy with the Mary Sue and the author's canon love interest saves the Mary Sue. Then the canon love interest and Mary Sue have a good talk. Yeah...it always happens. Now I'm not a fan of Boromir or anything, but he's not evil!! Sure he wants the Ring, but doesn't everybody? Even 'perfect' Galadriel. Just don't make him a bad guy!  
  
Another big Boo Boo, don't leave canon characters out of the conversation just to give your character some spotlight. This usually happens with Gimli, and he is given fewer parts than Legolas who speaks very little. That's so ironic because Gimli always complains and talks about this and that whereas Legolas just prances around, every once in a while saying something about how the weather is faring and about what they should do next.  
  
Read some other Mary-Sue fics before writing yours. Make sure that your plot hasn't been repeated. And if it has, make yours have an unexpected twist that makes it more appealing. The more original a fanfic is, the more someone will want to read it. Also, don't post your first draft. Ask some authors to Beta read it and give you their critique. That way, you can make your story better and better.  
  
Another thing, is that most fanfiction.net users like to read lengthy stories and no one likes to wait a long time to read the next chapter. When you start writing a story, don't post the first chapter until you have at least five chapters completed. Then, when you are happy with your final product, post the first chapter. Then a week later, do the second. And the next week, the third. It'll keep your readers on the tips of their toes in anticipation and you'll get more reads! Don't get discouraged if you don't have any reviews, and keep writing. Most often people immediately search for stories with 5,000 words or more. Once your story reaches that, you'll get more reads.  
  
And finally, I know that many women like to put a part of themselves into their OC. If you write more than one Mary Sue fic, then don't repeat your character (unless it's a sequel). No one likes to read an amazing story about a girl name Veronica who is sent to Middle-Earth and right after that read a story about a girl named Vicki who bears a strange resemblance to the other OC. 


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